546. Courtesy Car Dispatch - Loveless to Mile Marker 234

Would you pick this man up? A frequent guest has just called to the front desk at Loveless Motel from a pay phone at a rest stop at mile marker 234 on the state highway where he says he was approached by two men who held him up, took all but the coins in his pocket, and didn't steal his car but took his plates.  After  confirming the man had a reservation and recognizing his voice when he said "room 222", Psycho Randy asked him how it happened, he explained that his pants were down around his ankles and he had his knees under the partition of a stall in the men's room when an arm from the stall behind him reached in, took his wallet out of one pocket and his keys from another, and while his eyes were rolling back in his head from the quality of the blowjob he was receiving at the time, he didn't have the presence of mind to do anything about it except to yell FUCK YES!, after which he heard 3 people in other stalls applauding. "Not to worry sir, we'll send a courtesy van over to pick you up, and send a tow truck from the Motorpool. Room 222 is ready for you."  A frequent client of Snap Wadmacher, he's not camera shy.

480. The Department of Complaints Department

From time to time our office receives complaints after a stay, invariably asking for compensation.  This photograph was sent in by an irate guest who says that housekeeping provided his party with an inadequate solution for bathing when, due to plumbing issues during their stay, and overbooking our facilities, the guests were unable to use the communal showers at the Bunkhouse, where they had booked.  Offered to upgrade to a motel room at a slight discount, they declined due to their own budget constraints.

While it is true that we do provide portable bathing tubs upon request, Loveless Motel as determined that the small vessel in the photo the guest sent is not a tub we would have provided  The standard model, The Rub-a-Dub Tub pictured below, is much larger, as anyone can plainly see, and these were available during the guest's stay.  Furthermore, there is no notation on the guest file that a request was made for a portable tub.

Unfortunately the request for a freebee will be denied, and the guest's profile will be appropriately noted. As a gesture of goodwill, the management will include in its condescending and saccharinely worded "Gotcha" form-letter of regret, a 10 percent off coupon for a bar of soap, with an expiration date of April 1, this year.  Of course, guests with complaints should always bring these to the attention of management during a stay, and not after it, but often those things which need not be said do need to be said.  Timeliness of complaints is also addressed  in the teeny tiny fine print of the lodging contract each guest signs at check-in, however the attention of our guests is generally diverted elsewhere, as Psycho Randy, the front desk clerk is notorious for cruising new arrivals while playing pocketpool in full view of his mark during a guest's check-in process

472. "Caught!", continued...Gentlemen's Agreement

Game show host Garry Moore leans toward the man at his desk, his hand cupped over his ear, and says in the direction of the TV camera, "Dr. Long, what is your secret?"  Just as he does so, the black and white image starts to tumble, and Nic, Loveless Motel's senior manager, gets up off the couch in his private quarters to adjust the vertical hold.  "What a coincidence, gentlemen - I wonder if that Dr. Long is a jockstrap thief too?" Giving up, he turns the set off.  "I guess we'll never know.  So what do you think about all this, John?"

"So I'm a klepto!  But I'm also a good doctor. - just ask Harry!" Harry nods in assent and says the doc has a way with using a rectal thermometer, and prescribing aspirin for just about everything including headaches, the runs, and mood swings.  "I don't know whether the aspirin works 100 percent of the time, but he sure sells a shitload of pills in that little tin can dispensary" say Harry.

"So here's what I propose. We tell no-one about this", Nic says.  "I know a guy who can sell this mail order - once a month, Dr. Longjohn, you box up whatever you're finished sniffing and send it to my pal - he get's his cut, you get yours, and I get 50 percent of what he sends you. You stay employed and out of jail, and we continue to have our guests sign a waiver saying we're not responsible for lost articles, and direct them to Packaged Goods! to buy new jockstraps with a  10 percent off coupon. Everybody wins.  That is, except you, Harry.  This thing has fallen into your lap, so it's not like you solved some big shit.  As far as everybody knows, this is a cold case, and you still need to prove yourself. Now lets play that game of poker.  Get Psycho Randy in here...."

467. Skilled Laborers Needed for Nutbush Campground Completion

As Nutbush Campground nears final completion and its opening date, Loveless Motel management still needs a steady stream of men with special skills of all kinds. Apply in person for a speedy interview - limber, fit and versatile candidates go to the top of the labor pool list. Generous compensation and benefits included. Speak to Psycho Randy at the front desk. In particular, those with knowledge of hot mopping, flashing, tongue in groove and full penetration butt welds are eagerly sought.

460. You'll have to drag me out of here! - Monday Motivational

 

It's raining - it's Monday.  He had a little too much to drink and stayed up late - Who the fuck wants to work?  Psycho Randy gets a call at the front desk from one of the Birdwhistle Tearoom waiters who says he's feeling poorly, and Randy knows better - its the same kid he saw peering through a gloryhole at him over at the Bunkhouse at 1AM this morning.  Randy was just there to take a piss, and ignored the kid, but Birdwhistle Tearoom patrons aren't gonna ignore the fact that he's MIA , when they're told they're waiting on the waiter!  Not on his watch!  He pops his head into Nic's office saying he needs coverage and why, and Nic says "Go give the little fucker some motivation to get his ass to work!" Randy's gonna march right over to the kid's room and give him a piece of his mind, and a bit of ... motivation ... with the back of his hand, and "get his ass to work" before he even walks out of his room.  Knock Knock - who's there? - The kid? "All's well that ends well" His plan to have a little Randy in morning worked well.

445. All you ever wanted to know about Psycho Randy

 

Randy Ramsbottom, aka "Psycho Randy" the daytime desk clerk with the disarming smile here at Loveless Motel, is responsible for first impressions whenever a new guest arrives.  He's been with us for several years, first as a lodger, like so many who are currently employed here, and when an opening became available, Randy was first in line, and hired on the spot during the interview. As his first task he was asked to go out into the lobby and dismiss the other applicants, at which point the smile was more aggravating to its intended targets than disarming.

What was it that cinched the interview? Randy didn't know then but now knows; we know all about him. Always identifying himself as simple farm boy whenever he stayed, and indeed, indicating an agricultural background on his application, a member of the management team recalled seeing his picture on a poster. It seems "Randy" (whose real name is John Penn Juniper)  is a former teller at a bank in another state who is wanted for embezzlement to the tune of $3,346.68 - nearly the exact amount of money he spent with us as a frequent guest over 10 years, minus bus fare to get here. The statue of limitations has a few years to go, and he was floored when we produced the poster. He works for room and board, and shares a unit over in Aluminum City with similarly employed gentlemen. 

406. Hit and Split has your Christmas balls

In a special arrangement through Shutter Bug Camera Shop, Loveless Motel Hit and Split convenience store, located off the lobby, now has a limited number of Christmas Balls featuring photos of some of your favorite Certified Hustlers. See Psycho Randy at the front desk if you would like to book a time to admire a real set of balls of one of our many Certified Hustlers.

388. Unauthorized photo of lobby Christmas tree

One of our guests called and spoke to an Assistant Manager on a sensitive matter after receiving this postcard in the mail. On further investigation, it's been discovered that our Senior Manager, Nic, and front desk clerk Psycho Randy got drunk with "Snap" Wadmacher, the photographer at Shutterbug Camera Shop, and during a lull at 3am in the morning decided to take a picture of the Christmas Tree in the lobby and print 75 copies to be sent as Christmas Cards to many of our new and returning guests.  The caller complained that his wife opened the card.  Nic claims he had no idea that the post cards were made, and that he thought they were just doing the picture as a joke.  The Loveless-Birdwhistle Corporation dba LoveWhistle Inc. Board of Directors have been notified and an ongoing investigation is ensuing.

306. Celebrity Guests at Loveless Motel

Loveless Motel is the favorite vacation spot of several high profile Hollywood Types who often arrive incognito, often checking in under pseudonyms. Mr. Biff McTosser is a recent example. Shown here, he executes the secret wave known to only some of those at Loveless Motel, which translated means, "Hi there - don't I know you from the Mauve Tavern?" Psycho Randy is beside himself...nearly passed out when Biff checked in.

273. Couldn't sit down for a week

 Psycho Randy the desk clerk has finally reported in, and said that during one of the rope demonstrations he was handed a cocktail, and the next thing he knew, he awakened in his staff bedroom with his ankles and wrists with red marks around them, when a tall black guy walked in from the living room totally naked and asked if ne needed any additional plumbing services, and laughed.  Randy thought about it for a couple seconds, and decided he could wear a long sleeve shirt to work, and didn't mind standing through his shift.

272. Rainy Day Arts and Crafts - Macrame'!

 Our staff is brilliant at coming up with things to do on a rainy day.  Last weekend it poured like crazy outside, and the lobby at Loveless Motel became a craft center, A popular medium was rope, and there ensued several clever demonstrations, including macrame', which these fellows created and have temporarily hung in their room until it comes time to pack their suitcases, in which case, the sheets will probably disappear too.  Just a reminder; they'll receive a bill for the sheets with a no-return receipt. If anyone has seen Psycho Randy, the desk clerk, please contact the manager immediately. Last time we called his phone his taped message a strange voice said he was tied up and wouldn't be able to answer for a few days, and intermittent moaning. In another matter, there is a spool of macrame' jute rope missing; if found, please return to the office.

268. Psycho Randy gets a blowjob with the assistance of John Gavin

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