534. The Butler takes a holiday

Nic, the Senior manager at Loveless Motel, in one of last month's Monday morning staff meetings, started out by asking his assembled department heads a question. "I saw this headline in the paper last week- 'What is the connection of McDonald's hamburger chain CEO Ray Kroc, to the 1958 film Auntie Mame?' " "Ugh, McDonald's" interrupted Biff Wellington, head chef of Birdwhistle's Tearoom, "One of the waiters told me he worked for them when he was in highschool.  Whenever they dropped a burger on the floor, they'd just rinse if off and put a bun on it, and sell it to the next customer." "But you digress, Biff.  Pipe down. We have a group coming in - any takers on the question? No?  Let me read you this article" and he proceeded to read from the townie gazette. "Wait, wait!  Did you see Forrest Tucker's basket in the movie?" pipes back pushy Biff, "I hear he even has a name for it - "The General" "

 Nic glared over the top of the paper at Biff and began to read: 

"Patrick Dennis was the nom de plume of the author of Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade (1955), which in 1958 was made into the film Auntie Mame, starring Rosalind Russell.

 Edward Everett Tanner III  is the real name of the author who, after a successful career as a novelist, left writing and became a butler. One of his employers was McDonald's CEO Ray Kroc, who never knew that his butler "Tanner" was the acclaimed author.  After having mastered buttling, he left Kroc's employ and has opened the Mame Dennis Academy of Butlery, and has graduated a total of 56 men over 5 years in that endeavor."

"The courses feature heavy instruction on manservantry, which includes becoming an expert on modern technological developments, and how to use such devices as they come to market. Here, an instructor points out the vertical hold knob on a modern television set.

Conducting field training, an instructor demonstrates to a student the use of gas masks, in the event of a national emergency; students are trained to serve the master of the house first, then the estate heir, and then the women and children.  Staff, of course, should always carry a handkerchief in the event of such an emergency, but it should never be visible, which would be a severe breech of decorum.

The course also features a lecture on stress management, asserting that even on the best of days, men in service can have moments of frustration with a particularly demanding employer, and feel overwhelmed.  This may lead to adopting an unhealthy attitude toward the profession and ultimately manifesting itself as stubbornness and a perceived lack of cooperation. 

At its worst, this can even lead to the adoption by staff of unprofessional mannerisms both in personal affectations and in attire, putting on airs in a misguided attempt to mimic the habits and style of one's employer.

Therefore, the school teaches that it's always best to take advantage of personal time, to get away with friends who may also be in service, in order to find harmony and a refreshed attitude for the return to work.

Upon successful completion of the course of study, students graduate with a certificate awarded, signifying they are now qualified tradesmen in the field of Professional Butlery

"Son of a gun", Biff says, "but what has that got to do with us.?" 

"We've received a booking for several men" Nic said "who gave as their occupations butlers, who say they are coming to us to celebrate their graduation from MDAB.  Just a heads up.  Not a whole lot special needs to be done, but I've always looked at that profession as a bit related to the hospitality industry, so wherever you can, make considerations.  It could be good business."

And so it was, and they have come and gone, having booked into Rooms 222 and 221, but not without leaving a record behind of their celebratory visit.  Like many, they asked Snap Wadmacher to take a few candid shots.

Butler for hire - this way for service.

One last visit to The Tubs at the Bunkhouse, before heading home and finding permanent employment! Upon seeing the photos, now on sale at After Midnight Arcade, located off the lobby, Biff quipped, "More like professional buggery..."

On location with Snap Wadmacher, head photographer at 

Shutter Bug Camera Shop, located off the lobby

481. Ten Commandments Club Initiation - results are in

 

Birdwhistle Tearoom management has been informed that one of the waiters complained his tip had been stolen from a table that had not yet been bussed, by an unknown perpetrator who dined in the restaurant Saturday night.  A typically busy night forced him to get to the table late, after after he had seen a large wad of cash being put on the tray after the bill had been paid, when while leaving, the table host thanked and congratulated him on his perfect presentation of a flaming baked Alaska. Several groups were seated in close proximity to the table. It might have been anyone from those surrounding tables, all seemingly animated and having a good time with little care about their surroundings except for the usual titter and din of evaluations of any one group of men by all the others, which is the necessary ritual assessment  of potential tricks for the evening. All gay men have these discussions with their pals. "What about that one?" "Nice face, but did you see that horrible manicure when he lifted his glass? I bet his toenails are dirty", etc., etc. Then the snappy comeback: "It's not his toes I'll be be sucking."

This night, the assembled members of the Ten Commandments Club, dining together with their applicant, took note of the anguish of the waiter whose tip their tablemate had just nicked. One of their number suggested to the thief that he should approach the waiter, offer his condolences, and invite him back to their elegantly appointed rented clubhouse in Aluminum City. The plan all went pretty successfully. Members are all smooth talkers, appear above suspicion, and are all devastatingly good looking.  Who in his right mind would say no to such an invitation?  He's lucky this wasn't a 6th commandment night. And The Ten Commandments Club has its newest member, who, now richer by fifty dollars, stood in line to screw the waiter once again.

468. Lake Loveless Polar Bear Club

Traditionally the first snow after Groundhog Day at Loveless Motel, the Polar Bear Club meets for its annual celebration of freezing your ass off in Lake Loveless, because the pursuit of non-stop indiscriminate and anonymous sex just isn't enough for some vacationers at our discreet little paradise. Central to the yearly observance is "Pops" Vielengelt, its original organizer and an Oshkosh, Wisconsin delicatessen owner who remembers the days when Edgar Loveless and Sinjin Birdwhistle entertained at Loveless Lodge. Never without the company of a youthful companion, this year he's treating us to the visage of his twin "nephews" who'll escort him into the frigid lake waters. He says their names are Dan and Don, and whenever he forgets their names, he only needs to sing the bell sounds of Frère Jacques in French ("din, dan, don") to keep himself out of trouble, which also serves as a reminder to him that they are uncut, whenever that happens to come up in conversation.

It's also traditional for Dr. John Long's phone to start ringing off the hook for the next several days as the foolishness of what our "Polar Bears" have done sinks into the heads of some of our more delicate little Pogies, Uranians, Margo Polos and Beach Bitches, necessitating a virtual gangbang of rectal thermometer use and pill-popping in the Doc's office. As if an all out free-for-all Bacchanalian romp after the antediluvian dip would make it all better..

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451. Ground Hog Day relapse

This weather is something else, and no let-up in sight. All reports say we're in for it for a while.  Loveless Motel guests are holed up, staying warm in their accommodations, from Fireplace Suite motel rooms to Aluminum City trailers. Even truckers are escaping their cabs parked at Loveless Truck Stop and heading for The Bunkhouse. Looks like every method possible, from friction to piling on is being used to turn up the heat. The more bodies, the hotter it gets.  Someone said he'd heard a rumor that the pool was going to be used as an ice skating rink, but as a reminder, Loveless Motel keeps it's pool at a comfortable 80 degrees year round, and that, dear guest, is what the 30 dollar surcharge on your checkout bill will go toward this week.  So better quit whining and start swimming.

On a side note, Loveless Truck Stop Cafe is serving up a rare specialty - Ground Hog Hash.  If you have never tried it, you're in for a real surprise.

290. Those crazy mechanics at the Motor Pool

Some days it seems like nothing gets done at the Motor Pool at Loveless Motel.  Those crazy guys!  You just never know what you'll walk into at the garage.

283. Cramming for Intern exams

Interns at Loveless Motel go through a rigorous training, often arriving at the property prior to the beginning of classes to seek out their fellow classmates. Study sessions can often be long and hard, but fulfilling and mutually beneficial as well. Cramming for exams is a time honored tradition, often carried out right in the conference rooms which are made available for any after hours cramming. Instructors often volunteer to lead, as all our instructors were once interns themselves, and therefore excellent crammers.

280. Double Double

Perfect for two couples on friendly terms, or 4 close singles, our double double rooms at Loveless Motel offer plenty of room for your most inventive weekend activities.