488. The Last Annual Loveless Motel Cat Show AKA What's in the box?

A couple days ago we told you about the First Annual Loveless Motel Cat Show. Scratch that. (so to speak). Make that First and Last. Here's what went down. A late entry was called in Friday night, and Nic allowed the two men, Alberich and Bob, to enter their cat. The men arrived with quite a bit of luggage and one very large crate, and due to its size, they were given a larger unit on Lover's Lane near the other entrants' lodgings, however all the recently tiled units were taken and so a carpeted unit had to do.

Yesterday morning, the day of the show, held in Footlight Fairies Cabaret, each of the owners set up his table with his cat on display, and Alberich and Bob wheeled in their sizeable crate. The table had to be removed due to its inadequacy, and the two men stood next to the big box while the auditorium filled with cat fanciers and curiosity seekers alike. There were oohs and ahs as the crowd began to circulate among the tables, hardly observing little easy-to-follow directional signs like "Do not insert your fucking fingers into the fucking cage". The temptation to feel fur is just a bit much for some people, and so there was a lot of touching and feeling going on of the cats, too. Foregoing the usual understated attire for such a show, Alberich in his rhinestone studded cape, and Bob with a whip, in his bulging skin-tight unitard, stood out among the others, but unfortunately the crate being guarded by the two men was solid wood, and there was nothing to be seen, so the crowd largely ignored them.

Damon and Pythias

Pyewacket

Piddles

Patty, Maxine and LaVerne

Butterball

Lucifer

Bobbi Frapples

At some point, the Emcee, one of the Cabaret's most glamorous drag queens, reportedly hung like a racehorse and a bossy top man, Bobbi Frapples, was heard over the sound system (deeply) directing the crowd to take their seats around the perimeter of the performance ring that had been set up, and each man began to walk, leash in hand, flaunting his pussy to the animated applause of those assembled to witness the show. The three judges held up placards with a score, and Piddles was a clear favorite to win.

Finally, Alberich and Bob were called to walk their entry in the ring. Pulling a ripcord on the crate, a huge circus cat leapt from the box and neither Bob nor Alberich were able to grab its leash as it headed for the available prey unprotected by their cages. The scene was horrific.

After containing the big cat, it became evident that the only thing to do was to call on Dr. John Long, who as it happened had already been called to the hall earlier when a contestant tripped over a litter box which he suspected had been placed there by a jealous rival.

An unfortunate injury was also sustained when the escaped big cat chased down one of the waiters who, as it happens, had met and served his stalker's handlers at Birdwhistle's Tearoom and after his shift had been himself invited "to see our Bavarian cowbell collection." In the midst of that little interlude, complete with a demonstration, he found himself serviced on both ends by Alberich and Bob in their accommodations on Lover's Lane the evening of their arrival. He even asked "What's in the box?"

But to no avail; the only answer that came was a series of grunts and a slew of dirty and delicious fuck words.

Now one-handed, he'll never ring anyone's bells again, let alone serve them dinner. And to top it off, his missing part happened to be on the dominant, right side! Working at Loveless Motel in any capacity comes with both great rewards and unspecified risks.

It was all Dr. John could do to attend to the wounded and mop up the cats, in hopes of finding a few that me might be able to use in a new display of anthropomorphic taxidermy.

The Last Cat Show at Loveless Motel

475. Juices health nut bar and gossip mill

Recent victims of the jockstrap thief who's been menacing Loveless Motel meet together at "Juices," the health nut juice bar at The Tubs in the basement of the Bunkhouse.  Gabby B. Lyon, the juice jerk there gets their attention as he tells them about the fragment of a mumbled conversation he overheard between a couple of men the other night. Just out of sight, he couldn't tell who they were, but clearly heard "It's YOU!"  "Ordinarily I hear nothing but it was such a quiet night and very few guys.  I know that new hotel dick was here because he sat here and had a carrot juice and said he wanted to pump me for some information.  I told him I couldn't imagine what information he thought might be worth pumping me for, but that my shift ends at 6AM.  He told me he'd be gone by then but would pin me down another time, finished his juice and headed for the showers.  I'm pretty sure it was his voice.  About half an hour after that, another guy came in,  sat on the same stool - I recognized him as the Doc, wearing a jockstrap that was a little too big on him - go figure!  He gave a lecture last year in the Grab Basket Conference Room - something like "You and your Dick".  It was pretty thorough...he demonstrated and asked us all to  join in.  While he was drinking his carrot juice I reminded him about that lecture.  He gave me a nice tip, right in this jar here that says "TIPS" " Gabby then makes a grand gesture, lifting the jar in front of his customers, his head cocked and eyebrows raised, saying but not saying "Fill 'er up, motherfuckers". One of the smart-aleck gobblers says "I forgot my wallet" and they all wander off tittering "Oh, Mary" this and "Oh, Mary" that...

"You can't get a word in edgewise with that little queen. I don't think he took a fucking breath the whole fucking time! Next time, I swear I'm gonna pull a quarter outta my ass for that jar"

472. "Caught!", continued...Gentlemen's Agreement

Game show host Garry Moore leans toward the man at his desk, his hand cupped over his ear, and says in the direction of the TV camera, "Dr. Long, what is your secret?"  Just as he does so, the black and white image starts to tumble, and Nic, Loveless Motel's senior manager, gets up off the couch in his private quarters to adjust the vertical hold.  "What a coincidence, gentlemen - I wonder if that Dr. Long is a jockstrap thief too?" Giving up, he turns the set off.  "I guess we'll never know.  So what do you think about all this, John?"

"So I'm a klepto!  But I'm also a good doctor. - just ask Harry!" Harry nods in assent and says the doc has a way with using a rectal thermometer, and prescribing aspirin for just about everything including headaches, the runs, and mood swings.  "I don't know whether the aspirin works 100 percent of the time, but he sure sells a shitload of pills in that little tin can dispensary" say Harry.

"So here's what I propose. We tell no-one about this", Nic says.  "I know a guy who can sell this mail order - once a month, Dr. Longjohn, you box up whatever you're finished sniffing and send it to my pal - he get's his cut, you get yours, and I get 50 percent of what he sends you. You stay employed and out of jail, and we continue to have our guests sign a waiver saying we're not responsible for lost articles, and direct them to Packaged Goods! to buy new jockstraps with a  10 percent off coupon. Everybody wins.  That is, except you, Harry.  This thing has fallen into your lap, so it's not like you solved some big shit.  As far as everybody knows, this is a cold case, and you still need to prove yourself. Now lets play that game of poker.  Get Psycho Randy in here...."

471. Dear Diary: Caught!

In a stunning development overnight, House Detective Harry Biggerstaff writes in his private journal that he has apprehended the jockstrap thief who has been plaguing The Bunkhouse for the past month,  He recounts that he had decided to award himself some personal R and R at the Tubs on what he thought would be a slow night, which since assuming his position as Loveless Motel's hotel dick has been one of the perks he most enjoyed.  Most of all, the ritual of slowly removing his clothes for any onlookers in the locker room, stowing his duds neatly away and producing from his old ditty bag, the container he was never without on a night he knew he would not be home, a toothbrush and his old worn jockstrap into which he changed, barely containing its contents;  to walk around in it was a performance he relished, knowing it was like bait to anyone present, particularly to those shy voyeurs he could later approach. "I see you enjoyed watching me in the locker room" was an opening that took most men by surprise, but paid off in results just the same. 

 And so this quiet evening was no exception.  Though in the dark he couldn't quite see his stalker's features, he sensed someone was watching, and proceeded with his show.  His next step as always was to walk through the hallway of private enclosures to see if any doors were open, to view any men pleasuring themselves or others, and in the absence of any obvious opportunities, head back to the locker area, slowly remove his jock, place it on a hook, stretching as he did so, for the added enjoyment of anyone watching, with his arms above his head and back arched so that his still-flaccid cock dangled momentarily before it began to come to life, and then he would turn to step into the nearby shower. This night, in the quiet semi-dark he could hear the squeak of another man's bare feet behind him as the hot water cascaded down his chest, his back to the hook on the wall, the water finding its way down his ass to the floor, making a splat sound as he soaped up. 

He's then startled as there's a deep intake of another man's breath with a snort sound, and whipping round, nearly loosing his balance on the wet tile, he sees a naked man with a jockstrap over his head, holding the crotch cup fabric to his nose with one hand , stroking his fist-wrapped meat with his other, while exhibiting the wide open eyes of one who's been caught red-handed.

"It's YOU!" Blurting and dumbfounded, Harry stands there soaked and dripping as the man grins back, begins to chuckle out loud, and between chortles and guffaws, Dr. John Long manages to gush out "I confess!"  To which Harry then says, barely containing his own upwelling laughter "I see you enjoyed watching me in the locker room!"

TO BE CONTINUED....

468. Lake Loveless Polar Bear Club

Traditionally the first snow after Groundhog Day at Loveless Motel, the Polar Bear Club meets for its annual celebration of freezing your ass off in Lake Loveless, because the pursuit of non-stop indiscriminate and anonymous sex just isn't enough for some vacationers at our discreet little paradise. Central to the yearly observance is "Pops" Vielengelt, its original organizer and an Oshkosh, Wisconsin delicatessen owner who remembers the days when Edgar Loveless and Sinjin Birdwhistle entertained at Loveless Lodge. Never without the company of a youthful companion, this year he's treating us to the visage of his twin "nephews" who'll escort him into the frigid lake waters. He says their names are Dan and Don, and whenever he forgets their names, he only needs to sing the bell sounds of Frère Jacques in French ("din, dan, don") to keep himself out of trouble, which also serves as a reminder to him that they are uncut, whenever that happens to come up in conversation.

It's also traditional for Dr. John Long's phone to start ringing off the hook for the next several days as the foolishness of what our "Polar Bears" have done sinks into the heads of some of our more delicate little Pogies, Uranians, Margo Polos and Beach Bitches, necessitating a virtual gangbang of rectal thermometer use and pill-popping in the Doc's office. As if an all out free-for-all Bacchanalian romp after the antediluvian dip would make it all better..

.

459.Is there a doctor in the house?

 

Loveless Motel Dispensary has moved from its small quarters next to the Laundry Room (a locked closet with a first aid kit,  a few over the counter remedies such as Ex-lax, Kao pectate and castor oil, a stretcher and a straight jacket, with a clipboard hanging on a string, meant as a sign-out sheet), and is now located at 420 Tin Can Alley in Aluminum City, in a dedicated and distinctive unit, seen here, just arriving after having been purchased at an estate auction in town. The previous owner no longer has a need for the unit, as he was sued for medical malpractice after accidentally (barely) sedating a man who came in complaining of a bad hangnail and amputating his whole hand, and was found liable. But that's neither here nor there. Neither is the hand.

More importantly, the facility will be open 24 hours a day every day, under the capable direction of Dr. John Long (of "Your Penis and You" lecture series fame) His small team of medical helpers has been trained personally by himself, with recent emphasis on the extraction of lost gerbils. This new medical endeavor aligns with the Loveless philosophy of getting our hands dirty in every possible way on behalf of our guests; put another way, we aim to be all things to all lodgers. In the event that any of our guests need the services of someone purporting to be a medical professional, no appointment is needed, and fees are minimal, though tips are accepted, and barter is always up for discussion. You may walk in at any hour, and rest assured that protocols are nearly in place in the event an amputation is not required. Dr. John also informs us he is an adept anthropomorphic taxidermy hobbyist, but we'll save that story for another time.

 

8. Spring Lecture Series

 This weekend, Dr. John Long returns for our spring lecture series, Your Penis and You.  You'll find him extending a helping hand in the Grab-Basket Conference Room located just off the Lobby at Loveless Motel.